Rejection as an Issue
How hard is it to say “no”? It can’t be that hard right? It’s just a word a two letter word. But somehow my mind and my mouth will not agree on this. My mind says “NO” but my mouth is unable to formulate the word. Unable to utter that very simple word. What is with me? And now? And now I am caught in a tangle of lies. Talk about stalling.
I have been telling this friend of mine that I will go out with him. Actually I promised him. Although I said “yes” loud and clear I have been having a hard time putting that promise into motion. I have been delaying and delaying it. I know it’s mean, cruel in fact. However, my body just refuses to go out with him. It is not even a date. At least I don’t think it is. Oh I hope it’s not. Embarrassing as it is I have been putting him off for four months now. Yup! I am that cruel. Months of delaying it and I thought he would have forgotten about it but it turns out he’s memory about me and him going out is as clear as the sun rising in the east. I don’t know what to do. Who am I kidding I know what to do tell him “no”. But where going back again to the part where I can’t say “no”. I just can’t stand the disappointment. I know what rejection feels like and gosh! I will not do that to a friend. So even if my mind is going nuts and my senses are telling me “no” I just have to suck it up and go. Besides, saying “no” is not the issue right now ’cause I already said “yes” and if there is one thing that I am not that is I am not somebody who breaks a promise. I am a woman of my word.
It is not like it is my first time going out with a guy. Because this is so not my first time. Although this is not a date and I think I will make this clear this is so not a date or any romantic thing I still have a bad feeling about this. I have been dating for four years now. I have gotten out romantically with lots of guys not that I am bragging or anything but really I have been out with a lot of guys and it was all really fun. Lots of laughter and romantic stuffs. These days, I prefer dating than a committed relationship. By the way when I say dating it is just the kind of casual thing you know go out with lots of guys not be in a steady relationship thing or not date just one guy. It’s not bad really it’s not like I am dating two guys at once. I don’t do that. I date a guy then when the first date goes really bad I don’t go out with him again. I don’t say “no” though I just make excuses. I have lots of excuses trust me on this one. I am like the queen of excuses. So when someone asks me out I will go out with him and move on to the other guy. As far as my memory can go I have been dating for four years now. It’s not that I am afraid of commitments or that I am not able to make and keep a commitment. Honestly I am a big commitment girl. But frankly speaking the reason why I date and not go to having a boyfriend is that I am not looking for a boyfriend. I don’t want a steady relationship not now at least. Another reason is that I have been in a lot of relationships the boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship and I always end up getting hurt. I have been through to a number of bad relationships and hurt that I just figured if I date then there would be no commitment and no pain. It is cowardly you don’t have to say it. But can you blame me for wanting to protect myself? And dating is not such a bad thing. When I date people it increases the possibility of me meeting the one that will be a good match for me and from dating we can go to the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship when the right time comes. A lot of people are into dating so don’t think badly of me.
Furthermore, I know that love takes a lot of courage. It takes a courageous person to play in the field of love. Love is all about risks when you put yourself out there you should be prepared to be hurt or be happy. It is not for the weak heart. But the heart can only take so much. So, forgive me for not wanting to fall in love. Forgive me for protecting myself.
But back to the issue at hand. I really don’t want to go out with this guy and I can’t stand saying no. Please tell me what to do. Is it consider cruel to protect someone from the pains of rejection by pretending to be with him? Or is it more cruel to tell him “no” rather than pretend? I am still trying to figure this out and when I do I will keep you posted.